ZOMG! It's Christmas!

Yeah, no it’s not. Not even a little bit. I was at a big-box store this week and they already have their Christmas merchandise on display. IT’S MID-OCTOBER. I want to fully enjoy fall and Halloween and after that, Thanksgiving, you know, the holiday before Christmas. Granted, the store's "Seasonal" section isn't exclusively rows and rows of teetering stacks Christmas cards, lights, ribbon, bulbs, stockings, and garlands; it shares the space with the slightly anemic Halloween area. When I spied the vastness of Hallowistmas, at first I recoiled and then stared suspiciously as if there was risk of being snared should I turn my back on it. It’s obscene in both size and content. There’s just something unsettling about the juxtaposition of sexy witch costumes and stuffed Mr. and Mrs. Clauses.

One ill-fated mom had a grave look on her face. Two boxes of glass ornaments or a tub of plastic ones? Her wriggling, importunate son was holding a bag of Halloween candy up to her face. Dear Lord, I thought, choose the plastic ones! When I encountered her again later in the cereal aisle, she had a few bags of candy, a sparkly pumpkin, a garland of fake cranberries, and both the glass and plastic ornaments in her cart. She didn’t make eye contact. I took this as a sign that she was appropriately ashamed of capitulating to the megastore pimp.

Don’t get me wrong. I love Christmas. LOVE. Hardcore. I just don’t want it all up in my shit until Christmastime. Right now I want to relax, have a mug of cider, and savor the splendor that is harvest season. Wait for me, Christmas; the day after Thanksgiving it’s all you, babe.