Sparkly Happiness Forever

I love America. There’s no shortage of ways to waste time and/or resources and that’s a big part of what makes us great. I also love weird stuff. Sadly, the U.S.’s production of weird stuff has fallen way behind Japan’s, which is why it’s such a challenge to find the really good weird stuff in neighborhood stores. How lucky is it that I can turn to the World Wide Web (Shout out to the 90s! Holla!), a confluence of ludicrous merchandise and time-sucking websites? Herein are some of my faves.

The Human Bowling Ball

This bad boy will set you back $4,600, including shipping. But can you really put a price on being able to turn your daughter’s idiot boyfriend into a human bowling ball? You know he’s been dying to make up for the “shower incident” and he did say that he loves bowling.

 

Tiddy Bear

OK, I love this product. And not just because of its kickass name and the ensuing puns! When my seatbelt strap rubs me the wrong way, I need some Tiddy.



Doesn’t that look comforting? I think so! This Amazon reviewer* is obviously just a party pooper:



(*Don’t worry; Tiddy Bear is NOT the name of the "massage therapist" this guy may or may not have hired last night.)

Spaghetti Dozer

There’s a woman in India selling handmade scarves on the side of a Delhi street. Each scarf takes five hours to make and she earns about $5 a day. She’s weeping. Not tears of sadness; she just found out that westerners are so fucking helpless that they’ll actually pay for a tool (plus a whopping $49 for shipping!) that portions dry spaghetti. It’s the best laugh she’s had all year.

  

 Trongs

Trongs – what an absolute delight! They’re “like chopsticks on steroids” and combine my love of eating finger foods with my love of having clean hands. In yo’ face, Buffalo wings!

“Get the fork outta here!” So clever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cornify – Unicorns & Rainbows On-Demand

I’ve saved the best for last: CORNIFY! Unicorns and rainbows on demand! You heard me. ON. DEMAND. You can Cornify any website (OMG!!!!), transforming it into pink, sparkly, magical wonderfulness.



And that’s not all! Cornify wishes you sparkly happiness forever!!! It says so right on their website! *Sigh*

Someday I'll tell you about my search for humane meat - as in humanely-raised - and my life-scarring typo. In the meantime, wishing you happy sparkliness!