Know Your Audience

One of my high school English teachers used to regularly admonish us when assigning composition topics, “Know your audience.” This is sound advice for casual conversation, too. I present Exhibit A (actually it’s the only exhibit):

Pudding Head to his coworker, my hairstylist:  “I’m leaving, Holly.”

Holly:  “Bye! Have a great vacation!”

Pudding Head:  “Ack. I don’t need to go anywhere, but I’m taking my wife because she wants to go.”

Holly:  “That’s a good reason to go to Europe.”

Pudding Head:  “Yeah, but to me Europe’s just a bunch of old shit.”

Holly:  “Are you kidding me? Well, if nothing else you can enjoy the food.”

Pudding Head:  “Nah. That’s about as big a deal as looking at fine art. And I had to buy a new suitcase ‘cuz I didn’t have one that was big enough! The whole thing is a pain.”

Holly:  “Wow. I wish I had your problems.”

Oh, Pudding Head, you ungracious gasbag. WHY? Why would you complain to Holly about this? Holly has two young children and a mortgage payment. She would probably welcome a vacation to Winnemucca, Nevada, let alone Europe. When you return and discover that she’s replaced the contents of the hair products at your station with glitter lotion, consider what the alternatives could have been. Recognize that this was not just a close call, but also a lesson; use it as a reference when working on your awareness skills.

Because I’m a wonderful person, I’m going to give you a couple of suggestions that may make your trip more memorable. A) Really indulge in the local cuisine. You might get the trots (fingers crossed!) and be confined to your hotel room where you’ll get to watch Italian-dubbed Baywatch reruns. B) Twaddle about how much newer and better and BIGGER everything is in the U.S. compared with dusty ol’ Europe. Europeans just think that’s the cutest.

Comme ci comme ça voyage, Pudding Head. Hope you have an ordinary time!