I Hate Okra

Several of my friends and family have dabbled in online dating. Mostly, it sounds like a hideous experience with one exception: The Profile. I've been with S. since the dark times (1990) when there was no public Internet. I feel like I really missed out with regard to posting my official self-portrait and my dating dos-and-don'ts online, cached in perpetuity as countenanced by the gods (AKA website moderators). I realize that composing one's profile can be quite a chore, stressful even, for some; still, I hate to be left out of the loop. Plus, I feel like I could inject this process with a degree of candidness that might be...refreshing? I've mulled it over and offer you, my dear reader(s), my would-be online dating profile. I'm so excited!

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I HATE OKRA

I’m 5’4”, slender (i.e.: if you’re a boob guy, move on to the next profile), and have brown eyes and black hair. I don’t like to brag, but I’ve been told that I “have a great personality”. I enjoy classic debate themes such as The Brady Bunch vs. The Partridge Family, “Mary Ann” vs. “Ginger”, and red vs. white wine with pork. Enough about me, let’s talk about what you’ll bring to the table:

1. Proper grammar – Use it early and often. Exceptions can be made if you’re being ironic.

2. Excellent hygiene – Have it. Always.

3. Smoking – Don’t. First of all, you’ll smell like an ashtray. Can this ever be a good thing? Secondly, where have your hands been? Think about it. They’ll be in proximity to your mouth soon if you smoke. Gross.

4. Heavy facial hair – Seriously unhygienic. I literally just dry heaved thinking about what your mustache might be harboring.

5. Exercising – Doing it: YAY! Talking at length about it: ZZZZZZZZZ…. The last time I had to sit through an hour of pilates talk, I found out that I could sleep with my eyes open.

6. Manners – Does a person need to be in a wheelchair before you’ll hold the door open for him/her? Do you maintain a list of rationales for not tipping your food server/hairstylist/cab driver? Do you only utter “please” and “thank you” thus, “Please don’t let it be herpes,” and then, “Oh, thank you, Lord”? If you answered yes to any of these questions, please stop this charade. No one is ever going to date you.

7. Okra – Just…no. This cellulose-mucoid hybrid is an abomination.

If these criteria align with your own and you’re ready to have some carefree fun, message me. Talk to you soon!